More Than Words

Why my employer chose to gift me with use of a set of emoticons on the in-house Instant Message system I do not know. I am not sure even now, months later, what professional message I should be conveying with the Winking Smiley, the Black Sheep, or the Martini Glass, let alone the Snail or the Sealed With A Kiss symbol. Under what circumstances is the emoticon of the Wilted Rose preferable to the Sleepy Smiley?

My colleagues and I have identified the emoticons we would like to see for use in our workplace but fear to upload. These include:

• Opening and Closing Tin Can (for Can of Whup-Ass)
• Flames
• Bleeding Dagger
• Bitch-Slap
• Lighting Strike
• Godzilla
• Dogs Humping
• Pointy Hair Boss from "Dilbert"
• Vomiting Smiley
• Chomping Smiley (for saying "Bite me!")
• Tooth-Grinding Smiley
• Exploding Smiley

I feel better now for having shared that with you.